


Exodus

by spiderfighter



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Dubious Consent, F/M, Infant Death, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love, Unwanted Pregnancy, fem!near - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-01-01 05:06:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12149244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiderfighter/pseuds/spiderfighter
Summary: They say an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. But maybe it's worth it just to hear them beg for mercy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be a sequel to this prompt fill on the dn anonymous kink meme: http://dn-kink2.livejournal.com/1491.html?thread=407763#t407763

"I love you," Mello says.

Near is silent. She isn't entirely sure what to say to that. 

Sure, they've been 'together' for awhile now. But the truth is that Near hates him. Despises this man, ever since he held her captive for two years and forced her into a life of slavery. 

And yes, while he's given her enough money and a nice place to live and some cases to look over when she asks for them, it isn't enough for her. She doesn't want borrowed power. She wants everything back that he stole from her. 

It's why she got pregnant in the first place. She had a plan when she did it. But the plan has been changed and shifted so many times that she's starting to lose hope. Originally the plan was to subtly take over after giving birth by slowly shifting all childcare responsibilities to Matt and Mello. Near knew they had a soft spot for children. They would likely believe her if she blamed postpartum depression for not taking care of the child. If she was subtle and slow enough, they would not notice her re-assuming her rightful position as L, and would be thrown in jail before they realized what was happening. Then she was going to give the baby away. 

Near lost sight of this briefly, most likely due to Stockholm syndrome, when old feelings began to make themselves known and she and Mello unexpectedly began a relationship. She caught herself thinking she wanted to be a mother, and that maybe, she still loved Mello. This, however, soon passed as the child grew inside of her, taking over her body like some kind of parasite. The growth inside of her is a perfect metaphor for what Mello has done to her life. Nothing is her own anymore, not even her own body. 

Near just can't take being pregnant anymore. She thought that she could handle it, that it would be easy. She was wrong. Every time it moves she wants to rip it out. It's unnatural and disgusting and horrific. She wants it out and she wants it out _now._

Now she's attempting to sway their henchmen into staging a mutiny and working for her thereafter. It's a time-consuming process. Near was hoping that she would have them convinced before the fetus became viable so she could still terminate it. But today marks the first day of her twenty-fifth week of pregnancy. She feels crushed. Hopeless. Maybe she really will have to live this worthless excuse of a life after all.

Mello is looking at her sadly. "I didn't think you'd say it back," he tells her. "And I don't want you to if you don't mean it." 

Near looks back down at her book. "I don't know..." 

He leans down to kiss her on the forehead. "That's okay. Really." He puts on his jacket and heads to the front door. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" 

"Okay." 

He leaves. 

As soon as the door shuts behind him, Near pulls out her cellphone and calls Mello's head henchman, Riley. He and Near had built something of a friendship during her captivity. They had bonded over their shared hatred of Mello. 

"Have you convinced anyone else?" She asks as soon as he greets her. 

Riley sighs. "Two. Might be enough. Three guys just walked. So only three left now." Near allows herself a moment of reflection.

Riley lost his best friend in the explosion that scarred Mello and had agreed to work for him for the sole purpose of avenging him. However, the man was all brawn and no brains. He couldn't figure out a plan on his own. 

Mello and Matt are not good people to work for either. They had those under them do all of their dirty work, causing a handful of deaths during her imprisonment, and are overall unappreciative, self-centered, and over-demanding. This was why the other two men were on her side most likely. 

They all pity her. They know, thanks to Riley, who she used to be and what Mello and Matt did to her. But Mello was always skilled at instilling fear into the hearts of men. They will not betray him easily. 

"How about this," she proposes. "I'll give you the deed to my apartment and you can divide everything in it among yourselves. Who did you convince anyway?" 

"Harrison and Jackson." 

Hope blooms in Near's black little heart. 

Harrison was a part of Mello's mafia during the Kira investigation but was conveniently being held on a double homicide charge when the base exploded. He shot and killed two people because he found them annoying. That's it. That was his entire motive. He is a ruthless and cold-blooded killer. The charges were dropped due to lack of evidence, hinting that the man had some level of intelligence. 

Jackson is a violent, vindictive and angry man. He's been verbally abused by Mello enough times to entertain notions of mutiny. He's quick to anger and not very bright, but he is easily the biggest and strongest of the men. Near knows that he will be an asset to her team, as long as she stays on his good side. Pissing him off is akin to suicide. 

That meant that Smith, Arren, and Nguyen were left. Smith the scrawny runaway, Arren the lazy bum and Nguyen the spineless coward. Of course, she would not underestimate them. That's how she would lose. 

"Arren is your biggest threat, so focus on him. Tell him that he can have all the money on my cards if that's what it takes to convince him." 

"Well, I haven't actually talked to him yet," he sheepishly admits. "I've been trying to be careful." 

"No, that's perfect. You're doing good." 

Riley chuckles. "Thanks. I gotta go. Dickhead'll be here any minute." 

Near laughs. "All right. Thank you again for everything." 

"No prob." 

 

The next day she receives a call from The Doctor. The woman who offered her the abortion when she was first let out of her imprisonment. Near still has no idea what her name is. 

"This is undoubtedly the worst experience of my life," she confides, sounding too much like a whiny teenager for her liking. The doctor could tell right away that the girl didn't want this. She's never wanted anything to do with children or motherhood.

Currently she is a neutral party, so Near doesn't tell her anything about her plans. 

She seems to lean towards her side, however, if the abortion she still offers is any indication. 

"It's viable now. Twenty-five weeks." 

"Yes," she sighs. "You're right. In fact if I were to perform a c-section the child would likely survive." 

So she's still offering her a way out. 

Near doesn't know this, but the older woman has been in a situation before like the one Near's in now. Trapped in an abusive relationship with nowhere to go and pregnant. The main difference was that she had gotten an abortion and applied to medical school. If she knew, Near would be envious of the relative ease with which she had escaped, so the woman keeps this to herself. But she wants to help the girl. She's been her primary care doctor the past two years and has grown to care about her in that time. She wants to see her free. 

"I see. I'll keep that in mind." 

If things go her way Near will definitely take her up on that offer. 

  
  


Mello is oblivious. The blond happily visits her once again. After they finish dinner and sit on the couch together he lays his head on her belly, listening for a heartbeat. 

"There are two hearts beating inside you right now," he tells her in awe. It takes all of Near's willpower not to vomit on his head. 

The fetus kicks and Mello laughs. "Oleander, be nice to your mother." 

_I am not a mother!_ The words are right there, on the tip of her tongue. There is no love in her heart for this child. There never will be.

Near was always meant for so much more than this. They both know it. Mello is just too proud to give up his position, even if he knows that it's supposed to belong to her. The most insulting part is that he really thinks he won. As if he didn't just get lucky. He snatched away a victory that was rightfully her own and punished her for it.

"You're still so tiny in your belly," he remarks as he sits up, seemingly oblivious to the fury boiling in her veins. 

"Hm." 

The blond rests his head against her shoulder. "I wanna ask you something." 

"Yes?" 

"I want..." he falters for a moment. "I mean, I would like...to be the dad. I know I'm not the biological father...I killed him by the way." 

"Oh," she figured he might have, but it's still a shock to hear him say it so casually. But she's glad he's dead. She would have much rather done it herself, but this will do. Knowing Mello the way she does, she's certain he made it hurt, and that takes a bit of weight off of her shoulders. 

Mello has very strong feelings against rape. Against all types of sexual assault, really. He is of the opinion that a person guilty of any sexually based offense should be painfully executed. Obviously Mello has taken the law into his own hands, once again. 

"Well! Anyways, I would really love to take on this baby with you. I mean, I know you'll need help. Plus I've always wanted to be a dad." 

And there it is. This man only wants to use her to fulfill his dream of being a _daddy._ How charming. 

But still, this is what she has to do to win in the long run. If Mello thinks she's content then he won't notice what she's really up to. 

"Of course." She does her best to look happy. 

He buys it. "Really...?" He's grinning, his eyes sparkling. 

"Yes." 

"Thank you, I....Wow this is amazing..." 

"Hmm? How so?" 

Mello blushes. "I did something...awful. I never thought you would forgive me for it. Thank you." His eyes are shiny. If he starts crying Near is going to punch him in the throat. 

Instead she smiles at him. "I know that you're sorry. That's enough for me." What a crock of shit. 'Sorry' is _not_ enough. 

Suddenly his face is mere centimeters away from her own. "I love you," he whispers, his breath ghosting over her lips. He kisses her, slowly laying her back down on the couch. The kiss intensifies, and he moves to force her on her back, looming over her. He moves to unbutton her shirt and her heart sinks. She's really not in the mood for this. She never is, never has been with him, but she knows he'll be angry if she rejects him and his anger is terrifying. 

Best to just lie back and think of England. 

When he leaves he kisses her nose then kneels to kiss her belly. 

God, she needs a shower. 

  
  


Riley is the one to call her the next day. 

"It's on," he confirms. "Arren said he'd do it. Didn't even have to offer him money. Smith walked and Nguyen ain't a threat. Think we're ready?" 

"Not yet. Threaten Nguyen. I know where his family lives. I'll give you the address." She isn't lying. Her heart is pounding against her rib cage, she's almost certain Riley can hear it through the phone. _One more,_ she thinks, _We're so close. Just one more._

"Awesome." 

  
  


A week passes before Riley calls again. "Nguyen's on board." 

Near, for the first time in a long time, genuinely smiles. 

"I want to be there." 

"Okay. I'll get you at one tonight. We'll ambush them." 

Near spends the rest of the day pacing. She knows that this is a huge risk. The whole plan is a huge risk. But it's the best the young genius could come up with under the circumstances. 

There's a chance that this could be a trap. Riley could be working as a double agent, and Mello and Matt could know everything. The reason why she wants to go tonight is not just to see her victory in action, but also because she knows that they'll have loaded weapons. If it is a trap she _will_ end her life. 

But motherhood itself is a trap. It is an endless cycle of exhaustion and misery and regret. Near can see it in the eyes of the women holding young children when she goes to her doctor's appointments. None of those women thought that they would have to throw their lives away, but they did, and all for some stupid, helpless little creature who has no concept of basic human decency. She'll have to sacrifice every part of herself to bring a child she never wanted into the world and care for it, just like those other women did. She won't even have an identity outside of _'mommy'_. She'll be one of this boring women who talk all day with other boring women about baby poop and preschool scholarships. She won't have time for things that actually matter. And at the end of it all she'll have nothing. She'll be worthless, nothing, nobody. 

She would rather be dead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mello and Near's dynamic is really funny to me. Mello is this terrifying evil(ish) genius who has some of the world's most powerful criminals under his thumb and is totally capable of bringing Kira down by himself, but his life is just fucking _ruined_ by some kid with an iq one(1) point higher than his and probably can't even tie his own shoes. If Near didn't exist Mello would probably be perfect. I love them both so much. I'm not going anywhere with this, just thought it was funny.

~~~

It isn't a trap and Near swears that she will never feel this sense of pure elation ever again. 

They're on _her_ side now, and she watches them drug those men, her captors, her tormentors, and place them in handcuffs and ankle chains with a giddy smile threatening to break her face in half. They never even wake up. She told them the chains were for insurance, but really she just needs to see them helpless and humiliated, just like they had done to her. She's fantasized about this for so long—for the past two years—and now seeing it come to fruition is so wonderful she nearly cries. 

They are completely blacked out as they are transported, and when they wake to find themselves in her former prison their rage is the icing on the metaphorical cake. 

Mello punches the walls until his knuckles are raw and bloody, screams endlessly about betrayal and calls her nasty names.

Matt has an entirely different approach—appealing to her humanity. Reminding her of everything he had done for her, of all the times he had kept her company, brought her toys and snacks and tampons. Anything she asked for, he gave her, and he's desperately trying to cash in the favor now. He really has nothing else he can think of. 

But as time passes, it slowly begins to dawn on him that it's no use. She can see it in his face. Matt looks angry as well when the truth sets in, but chooses to keep away from the blond hellion instead of joining his raging. He knows better than to cross paths with him when he's like this. His next bright idea is to try to convince Mello to calm down enough to talk things over with him, to think of a way out, but the older man just won't listen. 

Unfortunately for them, there is no way out and they both know it. They had designed the place to be completely inescapable, and if she had to be freed by an outside party then there's certainly no way for them to free themselves. If there were, Mello would be too busy thinking of it to throw a tantrum like this.

~~~

The first thing she does is call her doctor to demand an immediate removal of the fetus. 

She isn't comfortable doing it, and has no problem telling Near this. When she offered, she meant later in the pregnancy, when the prognosis for the fetus was more optimistic—not straddling the line between the second and third trimester like Near is now. She just isn't comfortable doing it so early—it's just not _right._

However, it quickly becomes obvious that her hands are tied. Given that the elder woman is an accessory to a crime since she had never attempted to report Near's false imprisonment, Near has grounds to arrest her for it. Near _will_ arrest her if she refuses to comply. And (as Near helpfully points out) if word gets around that the good doctor was arrested for something so immoral, her reputation will be ruined and her career will be over. She argues that there wasn't anyone she could really tell, given that she was being held by L himself, to which Near replies that _she_ is L now so it would be best to acquiesce. 

"Don't think that I won't ruin you just because you were nice to me," Near threatens, and the woman has no choice. She agrees. Near offers a generous payment for her services in order to soften the blow. 

The experience is almost as awful as pregnancy itself. She loathes the idea of being cut open like a fetal calf and being on display for a room full of people to see, but she's desperate. Desperate enough to begin eyeing kitchen knives and bleach bottles—anything to get the damn thing out. She just can't stand the idea of this little parasite taking up space inside of her anymore. 

____

Not only that, but giving birth the natural way will make this whole situation seem more real. 

____

Near has been trapped inside of this nightmare for far too long, and she's finally getting to wake up. That's how she wants to remember this—if she even allows herself to remember at all. Just a nightmare. 

____

When the nurses show her the baby—because it's a _baby_ now—she just grimaces and lays her head back down on the table. Near always gets pissed off when the real world interrupts her fantasies. 

____

Near remembers a little too late that people generally don't take too kindly to anyone who shoots dirty looks at a baby. Whoops. There is an awkward silence as they continue the procedure (she had also demanded a tubal ligation during her cesarean) and she swears that the attending nurses are all glaring at her. Things are a bit fuzzy, so she can't really say for sure. Hopefully they'll realize that rendering her infertile is a good thing and they won't botch her surgery out of spite—surely everyone in the room will be relieved that there won't be any more children for her to hurt. She knows well enough that this is an irrational fear, but Near knows better than to trust anyone. She trusted Mello and look where that got her. 

____

In the days that follow the nurses attempt to force a bond and Near is _not_ having it. That.... _thing_ is absolutely hideous, and makes unbearable wailing noises that Near likens to a banshee's shrieking no matter how many times she is reassured that it is perfectly normal. Once she's released from the hospital she makes no plans to visit it.

____

And why would she? Near can't help but resent that baby. For having the audacity to take root inside of her, for warping and deforming her body and, worst of all, for making Mello treat her with a sort of tenderness, as if that could make up for everything he's done to her. As if she ever could forgive him.

____

But at least it's finally over. No more metaphors, she's broken the rules, gotten off the train miles before it's last stop and she's finally _free._

____

~~~

____

When she arrives back at Mello and Matt's house she finds it untouched. Near spends the weeks immediately following their capture in bed. She's just had surgery after all, and she needs her rest if she wants to recover. As she recovers, _her_ new men stuff Mello and Matt's things into boxes, save for a few of Matt's video games. Everything else is sold off. She hires a cleaning crew to deep clean the whole place to get rid of their stench. Chocolate and cigarettes and unwashed flesh. 

____

It takes her ten days to hack into their computer but once she does she finds all of their case files, their programs, their notes and certainly more money than she had been initially bequeathed. 

____

Two years is plenty of time to rebuild L's fortune after the Kira investigation had nearly depleted it. But L's reputation is still not yet recovered. Granted, it wasn't that great to begin with despite Watari's efforts, but after the real L was murdered there was a noticeable (at least to her) dip in the amount of cases L took on and in the time it took to solve them. Admittedly, Mello has seemed to fix this issue, for the most part. He wasn't quite up to par with L (then again, neither is she) but was much better than Yagami. 

____

She can see all the little mistakes he made, the evidence he overlooked, the leads he failed to follow. Mistakes that she never would have made, and especially not L. It's stained L's professional reputation even further. The ICPO seems to have finally noticed that something is amiss, as L's performance was discussed at length during their latest meeting. 

____

So it's up to her now to fix it. She's done this for as long as they've known each other. Near was always the one to clean up his messes, trailing along behind him and picking up the pieces, filling in the cracks that he had overlooked in his grand schemes, and she's tired of it. But at least this is the last time. 

____

~~~

____

When she finds all of the surveillance footage of herself she nearly vomits. She has the urge to smash the computers to pieces and set the remains on fire. But that would be exactly what Mello would do, and she can't ever be like him, not even for a moment. She's better, smarter than him. To be like him is to lose the game, and Near promised herself that she would never lose to him ever again. She chooses rationality over emotion and simply erases it all. 

____

As promised she hands over the deed to her old apartment to Riley. The sum of all of her cards are split evenly among the men and each receive an additional one million. Nguyen takes the money and runs but the rest decide to stay under her employment. Their first order of business is to bring over her clothes and toys to her new home, after doing so they then proceed to ransack the place looking for something of value. Idiots. 

____

But it doesn’t matter. She finds that not only did Mello own the penthouse he lived in with Matt, he also owned the entire building. It’s a residential building, filled with an assortment of millionaires. They had dirt on every single one of them. Life-ruining, career-destroying secrets all safely stored away, just in case. She’s glad that they did that work for her. It’s about time something useful falls into her lap again. 

____

With her fortune rightfully in her possession once again, she purchases an abandoned prison and outfits it with the best security details money can buy. No escape route is left unblocked. There are no cracks in the foundation of her prison. Mello made the mistake of overlooking the flaws in his own. 

____

They're even angrier when they're moved to their new prison. It's dingy and dark, as opposed to the one they stuffed her in, and she won't give them anything to entertain themselves with like they did for her. They no longer share a cell, but are placed in the cells across from each other. 

____

Her own tiny prison, with it’s suffocating whiteness and glass walls and black, domed cameras resides in a secret underground basement in the building. No one else but the former owner of the building and his confidantes knew that it was there. It’s just as well, as no one realizes when she fills the room with cement and forbids her men from ever speaking of its existence or her time spent there. 

____

~~~

____

Exactly one month after the men's incarceration she calls Roger. Wisely, he asks no questions, just re-assumes his position as the next Watari. Apparently Mello and Matt haven't talked to him at all this whole time. Shame. 

____

It takes a bit of searching, but Near finally finds the notes. They're stored together in the same exact place, which is a safe in Mello's closet. The deadliest and most dangerous murder weapons of all time...and they're being kept in a cheap safe because he's a _stupid asshole whose **only talent is making bad decisions...!!**_

____

The bloody nail marks in her palms will sting for days. 

____

The notes, however, will not last nearly as long. She throws them into the fireplace. She almost expects them to give off an odd color, or odor, or _something_ that betrays their supernatural origins as they burn. But they just burn like normal paper. 

____

It’s ridiculous that Near has to be the one to get rid of them. The notes cannot be allowed to exist on Earth, it doesn't take a genius to understand that. She would have thought that Mello was intelligent enough to come to that conclusion on his own. 

____

But he let his so-called ‘victory’ get to his head, and thought himself invincible. 

____

Near swears she will not make the same mistake. 

____

~~~

____

One thing Mello never did when she was his prisoner was taunt her. He just...left her there. That hurt worse than it would have if he had mocked her for her loss, because the message there was that he wanted her out of the way, and he didn’t particularly care how or where. She thought she was more important to him than that. Near didn’t work so hard for so long just to be tossed aside like some piece of dog shit on his ugly leather boots. 

____

Besides, what’s the point of having a captive if you don’t torture them? Defeating your opponents is meaningless if you don't rub their noses in it. 

____

It's why she decides to finally talk to them. It's on a day not too long after their incarceration when she has literally nothing else to do. She's just loafing around in bed, idly playing with her favorite robots when she decides that she's bored and turns on the live feed from the prison. She doesn’t feel like actually moving right now, so she uses the intercom system she had installed in their new prison. 

____

“So, how have you two been acclimating to your new home?” she asks into the microphone, smiling a bit when they startle at the sudden sound of her voice. "Are you comfortable?" 

____

Mello, of course, is not as receptive as she had fantasized. “Of course not, you fucking _bitch!_ I told you I was _sorry_ and that I fucking _love you!_ I thought we were okay!”

____

Matt has a look of utter shock on his face. His eyes fixate on Mello, silently demanding an explanation, but he is ignored. “ _Of course not,_ you moron. Did you really think that you wouldn't face any consequences for your actions? Honestly...” She loves how purple Mello’s face is. “You're going to be punished and no amount of whining will get you out of it.” 

____

Mello curses and punches the wall. The blow opens the scabs on his knuckles and he hisses in pain and clutches his wrist, his hands shaking. 

____

“Mello...you didn’t honestly think that I felt the same way, did you?” Mello remains silent, just stands there, clutching his wrist and staring at the camera in his cell bug-eyed like the insignificant little insect he is. 

____

The image makes her laugh, and she makes sure she laughs into the microphone so he can hear it. “How could I possibly love you? In fact, how could anyone? Look at you.” He's like a caveman, the way he bares his teeth and glares at the camera, it's meant to intimidate her, she can tell, but it just makes her laugh harder. "You're a pathetic little boy. What could _anyone_ in their right mind possibly see in _you?_ "

____

“ _ **You stupid bitch!**_ ” He roars back.

____

Near frowns. “I am _not_ stupid,” she says, petulantly “ _You're_ stupid.” 

____

_‘I am a bitch, though,’_ she wants to say. But she won’t and it looks like they won’t say it either, even though she knows they’re both thinking it. She releases the button on the intercom, but keeps watching. 

____

After a few minutes of punching and kicking the wall, Mello seems to have finally worn himself out, and collapses in a sitting position on the ground, panting. 

____

“Is that true?” Matt asks once he's done. 

____

“What?“ 

____

“That you said you _love_ her,” Matt clarifies. He knew that they had _something_ going on but was unaware of how serious it had gotten. It doesn't seem like Mello to drop the L-bomb so early in a relationship with someone he loathed not too long ago. 

As far as he knows, Mello's never said that to anyone. 

____

Mello sighs, slowly and carefully laying himself down fully as he does. He doesn’t answer. 

____

“Guess I’ll take that as a ‘yes’,” Matt says. It’s meant to be a joke but neither of them find it very funny. 

____

“I just… I really thought that she…” Mello can’t find the words, but Matt understands the message well enough. 

____

“How did it happen?” 

____

“She kissed me. I felt like I couldn’t resist.” His heart, traitorous little thing, feels light when he remembers it. He remembers _everything._ All the times he made her laugh, the way she would rest her head on his shoulder, the deep hours-long conversations about nothing and everything, the amazing kisses, the mind-blowing sex. 

____

It had all felt so real. And it _was_ real. At least it was to him. 

____

But it was all just another one of her lies. How could he have been so oblivious? 

____

“All a part of her plan,” the younger man decides solemnly. “She planned this from the start. I’m sorry, Mel.” And he is. His best friend has a look on his face that he's never seen before and he doesn't like it. If Matt didn't know any better, he'd say that it's heartbreak.

____

Mello’s eyes, while they weren’t meeting Matt’s before are now fixed to a spot on the ceiling. “I know.” 

____

Watching Mello hurt is something entirely new. She’s seen him angry, _murderous_ even, but never truly heartbroken. He wasn’t even this hurt by L’s death. L was the most important person in Mello's life, his idol and his savior, and he worshipped the very ground he walked on. His death was a deep, painful wound on Mello’s heart, but he chose to bandage it with his usual fury. 

____

This is something else. Mello wants to choose anger just like he always has when he wants to hide from his own sorrow, but it's all just too much for him to ignore. He is hurt and heartbroken and humiliated and it's written all over his face. The tables have turned so perfectly.

____

Paranoid that he was faking to win her trust just as she was, she had laid on the romantic bullshit a little too thick, or at least she thought she was at the time. She did everything she could think of to convince him that she was happily in love—that she would never _dream_ of trying to escape. It had gotten increasingly difficult due to her feelings for him changing so drastically in such a short period of time—flip-flopping between empty infatuation and pure loathing so often that she wasn't sure of what she was feeling most of the time. It was baffling. 

____

As difficult as it was, she had perfectly played the part of a submissive little housewife through it all, letting him come and go and use her however and whenever he pleased. 

____

She pretended that all she wanted was him and the baby. A family. 

____

Well, Near already lost her _real_ family, thank you very much, and she isn’t interested in any replacements. Mello was selfish for trying to use her to replace his own. 

____

To her, it was the final battle in their lifelong war, and was so invested in winning she had never noticed him waving a white flag until after she had already defeated him. 

____

Seeing him pained like this is delightful and Near decides that she just _has_ to see it in person.

____

~~~

____

When Near finally arrives to the prison for the very first time, Matt is the one to notice her first. 

____

“Near,” he says, his voice loud and echoing and completely emotionless. It causes Mello, who is curled up in a little ball in the corner of his cell, to stir. He can’t be comfortable, given that his wrists and ankles are handcuffed, the cuffs on his wrist attached to a waist chain. But he’s still dead to the world. 

____

Matt is chained in the same fashion, per her instructions to do so in the event of her ever deciding to visit them in person. He keeps pulling his wrists apart as far as the cuffs allow, as if he can break the connection with those noodle arms of his. Were the pair of them always so stupid or did they let their brains atrophy in the absence of a formidable opponent? It's embarrassing that she had let them win for so long. 

____

“Hello, Matt. Is Mello waking up?”

____

“Keep talking long enough and he will. Light sleeper.” 

____

“Good,” she decides to wait, leaning against the wall. 

____

“Near,“ Matt implores, “If you let us go, we’ll just disappear. You can have everything, just _please_ let us go. ”

____

Near can't help but scoff. “Yes, Matt, bribe me with something that's mine, that'll work.”

____

“ _Near—_ ” 

____

“No, no! You’ve said the magic words. Now that I've stolen everything that ever mattered to you, humiliated you, and ruined your lives, I will kindly force you to live in an apartment alone and put cameras in your bathroom and control every aspect of your life—right down to what I permit you to read. But that's okay, right? We've already established that you are _my property._ You'll learn to live with it eventually.” 

____

There's so much disdain in her voice. When she finally looks at Mello she finds that he's awake and sitting up, but he's refusing to look at her, choosing to glare at the wall in his cell instead. She hopes he heard every word. 

____

“Good morning, Mello. How did you sleep?”

____

Mello shakes his head. “I never put cameras in your bathroom.”

____

“.......” Near honestly thought he had. And to think of all the time she had wasted building up the courage to pee in front of an audience! It looks like she had worried over nothing. Damn him and his ability to take her off guard. 

____

But it's not like that makes it okay to put cameras all over her house, even if he was the one paying for it. She opens her mouth to tell him this before he cuts her off. 

____

“So I’m guessing this is your payback, right?” 

____

“Yes,” Near happily replies. "An eye for an eye."

____

Mello sneers at the wall he's facing, still refusing to look at her. “You know, you were treated better than most prison inmates in the _world._ Seriously, I made your room look exactly your old one at Wammy’s, you had maids, chefs, and everything you asked for you got, you spoiled _brat._ ”

____

Near rolls her eyes. What is with these two constantly patting themselves on the back for basic human decency? Next thing you know they'll be asking for a medal for remembering to wipe their own asses. Being treated well in prison doesn't erase the fact that she was jailed for _no reason,_ and she just wants to _scream_ this at them. It kills her to think that they probably know this but just don't care. 

“You said so yourself— _inmate._ You know that what you did was wrong and yet you try to justify it. That's so...like you.” 

____

Her voice is a perfect monotone. It’s nothing like when they were lovers, and it infuriates him. How did she manage to emulate a warm and loving person so effectively? She seemed so perfect to him. As if she knew exactly what he needed from her to fall in love. 

____

“Well, remember when you told me what you were going to name the baby?" He asks, finally turning his head to glare at her. He seems to be under the impression that the baby was a silver lining instead of the worst part of the nightmare that it actually was. "You were so happy, if it weren’t for me you would have never....” As he speaks his gaze travels downwards towards where her swollen belly should be. It takes him a second to notice that her shirt is completely loose and no longer showing a bump. By his calculations, she should be on the verge of giving birth, meaning she’s supposed to be _bigger._ Instead she looks exactly like she did before her pregnancy, as if the child had never even existed. 

____

“ _ **WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO OLEANDER?!**_ ” 

____

“Calm down, it’s in the NICU.” 

____

Mello sputters, at a loss for words. Matt is the one to speak up. 

____

“Are they okay?” Matt asks, kind of hating himself for not noticing, but he doesn't have his goggles and he can barely see without them.

____

Near shrugs. “It’s alive. Other than that I don’t know. I haven’t visited it.” 

____

“ _ **WHAT THE FUCK?!**_ ” Mello roars. “That's _our baby!_ What the fuck do you mean you don’t know?!” 

____

Near raises an eyebrow. " _'Our'?_ " 

____

"Damn it, Near! Just answer the _fucking_ question!" 

____

“Fine. The truth is that I don’t care enough to find out.” 

____

“ _What?!_ ” 

____

"When you develop a tumor, you have it removed," Near says condescendingly. “Did you think I wanted to be a _mommy?_ How stupid can you be, Mihael? I only got pregnant so you would let me out.” 

____

“Did you even care about that kid at all? Even a little?” Matt's voice is incredulous. He hears what Near is saying but it just seems impossible to him. Surely no one is capable of that kind of cruelty, not even her. Right? 

____

Near can’t help but roll her eyes one more time. “No, Mail. I didn't. Obviously.” His eyes widen. Whether it's at the mention of his real name or her blatant disregard for the new person she had unwillingly created is entirely irrelevant. 

____

This is boring. _They’re_ boring. They’re just talking in circles. 

____

“I’m leaving now,” she tells them. “Don’t wait up.” 

____

Mello yells something as she leaves but she can’t quite hear what it is. Oh well. It doesn’t matter what he has to say anymore. She _won._ She is the winner now and he is nothing, which is exactly how it's supposed to be. The door slams shut behind her. She won't come back. 

____

The chirping of the birds is giving her a headache, and the sun is beaming down on her too bright as she moves towards Riley's car, as if it's shining just to annoy her. Summer is stubbornly holding on, unwilling to let go just yet. But it’s losing. The leaves are changing and beginning to fall, signaling the impending death of summer. There's a steady breeze, chilling the air and rustling the leaves and Near stops just to listen to it, just for a moment. She’s always enjoyed this sound—like white noise. 

____

~~~

____

Near comes crashing down from the high of victory when she receives a call three days later. 

____

“I’m sorry, Nathalie,” The doctor sounds heartbroken. “Oleander didn’t make it. SIDS.” 

____

The words take a moment to settle in her brain. _Dead. SIDS. Oleander. Sorry. Didn’t make it._

____

“Oh." 

____

It's all she can manage to say. Truthfully, she's not sure what she's supposed to do now. Maybe she's supposed to just start crying...? That’s what a mother would do, right? Or even just a random person. No one likes it when babies die. They’re not supposed to—it’s unnatural. They’re supposed to grow up and live for decades until they’re old and grey and wrinkly and die peacefully in their sleep. 

____

They’re supposed to be loved, to be taken care of by people who love them. They aren't supposed to be abandoned by the one person who is supposed to love them the most—the person who grew them in her body. 

____

Even a baby who was abandoned like that deserved better. It was supposed to be adopted by someone desperate for a baby to love. It was supposed to have a family, even if she cursed its very existence, she was still human enough to know it deserved that. Near just couldn’t be that person. 

____

Maybe she's supposed to be happy it died. She'd hated that baby, loathed the feel of it slithering around inside of her so much that she had it removed before it was meant to come out. _After all,_ some part of her mind whispers, _isn't this what you wanted?_

____

Right now Near feels strangely hollow. Like someone just carved a hole in her chest. Maybe that’s why her heart does not feel like it’s breaking, like a real mother's would. It just isn’t there.

____

_I can't feel anything._

____

Wait. Yes she can. She's cold. It feels cold in her room. The thermostat is too low. She has to turn it up. If she doesn’t turn it up she’ll freeze. 

____

What is she supposed to say?

____

“I know the situation was unusual,” the elder woman says carefully, “But I understand if you need something. Someone to talk to…? I know a wonderful man on the upper west side that—”

____

“No,” Near interrupts. “That won't be necessary. I need to plan a funeral for the baby. It'll be in Winchester.” 

____

“I’ll commission a coffin for you. As a gift.” 

____

_Why are you being so nice to me?_

____

“Thank you. And from now on please only address as me as ‘N.’” 

____

~~~

____

What is she supposed to feel? The only thing is the hollowness. She feels hollow. Is that normal? 

____

The baby died. It was her baby. Her baby died. Her baby is dead. 

____

No, no, no. That’s not right. Mothers love their babies. Mothers _want_ their babies. It was not her baby just as she was not its mother. 

____

But was the baby lonely without her there? 

____

No, that’s ridiculous. It was a newborn, it had no conscious thought and couldn’t tell the difference between a heating pad and actual human contact. It couldn’t have felt that way. 

____

But it was so very tiny. She remembers in that split-second she saw it—how small and helpless the poor thing was. She could see its ribs, tiny chest heaving desperately—fighting so very hard to survive.

____

And all for nothing.

____

Were they warm, at least? Were they comfortable? Was someone— _anyone_ —there to keep the baby company?

____

She doesn’t care. She was not that child's mother. She doesn’t care. She swears that she does not care. 

____

She wasn’t a mother. She _wasn’t._

____

When she calls Roger and informs him that there is to be a funeral, her voice is cold and monotonous as always. 

____

~~~

____

It’s cold. Overcast. Dark and dreary. A fitting atmosphere for a child’s funeral. The priest is too emotional but that’s okay, this is hard for him. He’s telling her that the baby is an angel in heaven now, attempting to comfort her the only way he knows how. He is not to know that she has never believed in that drivel, not even as a child. He certainly does not realize that if there is a heaven, and if that’s where the baby is, she will not be joining them there. Because of her, an innocent child is dead, and it doesn't matter that she didn't want that to happen. It happened and it was a direct cause of her choices. 

____

Mello shares some blame here. It's his fault, too. He created this mess. If he hadn't done what he did, she wouldn't have had to submit her own body just to win her freedom, and she wouldn't have had to threaten someone to give her an unethical cesarean. The child would have never existed, never would have been born just to suffer a lonely, painful death. 

____

So maybe, in a way, this whole tragedy is _his_ fault.

____

_No,_ she thinks, _it's entirely his fault._ He forced her into this situation. She's the only one that had to deal with the fallout, is still dealing with it. It wasn't fair that he was going to get away with destroying her life and she just had to deal with it. It wasn't fair. She had to do it. She had to do what she did, she would have died if she couldn't escape, and that meant that Oleander would have died with her. So really, Near was just trying to save Oleander. 

____

_I'm innocent,_ she assures herself, _Oleander and I are both the victims here. This is all **his** fault._

____

Maybe if she says it enough she'll begin to believe it. 

____

Roger is standing next to her. He’s wrapped her in his black coat as she stands there staring at the tiny coffin. It isn’t enough to fight the chill but the weight of it is comforting. 

____

Her former doctor is on her other side, but slightly behind her. Near has no idea what she looks like right now, and for some unidentified reason does not want to. 

____

The little tombstone identifies the child as Oleander River. She gives the baby a place next to L. It makes sense to her. This child had saved her from a life of captivity, of being kept like an exotic pet and bound to the whims of her masters, just as L had saved her from a life in abusive foster homes. 

____

Her two saviors together. She can’t really hate the baby anymore. 

____

But what exactly is she supposed to feel? 

____

They leave her alone with the coffin. As he leaves the priest lays a hand on her shoulder and does not comment when she shudders free of it. 

____

When she touches the coffin she finds it smooth beneath her fingertips. It’s a very well-built little coffin. She can tell. 

____

There are so many things she can say right now to this child. So many things she wants to say and so many things she wishes she could. 

“Thank you," she whispers. 

____

Afterwards, Near finds Roger in his office sitting at his desk. She takes the seat across from him, bringing one knee to her chest, not caring that she is currently wearing a dress and that Roger can probably see her panties through her black stockings.

____

It feels like old times, when he would try to counsel Mello and herself after they fought. 

____

It suddenly strikes her that this is the first time that she is alone with Roger in his office. 

____

“How are you feeling?” 

____

She takes a moment to think. “Cold.” She twirls a lock of hair around her finger. 

____

There’s silence for a few minutes. Roger speaks first. “You seem...the same.”

____

“Yes.” 

____

Roger sighs. “Near, you don’t need to hide it. This was your child. Who was the father?” 

____

“I don’t know his name,” she admits. “But he’s dead, too.” 

____

“You don't even know the man's name? Near you weren't...?” 

____

Near is not well-versed in the art of social interaction, but she can't help but feel that the old man is committing some sort of social faux pas. The question makes her wrinkle her nose as she unwillingly remembers. “It was gross and it hurt. I don’t think I like sex very much.” Ask an inappropriate question, get an inappropriate answer. 

____

Roger blushes. “Well, uh…” 

____

“I had to do it. I’m not upset that he’s dead.” The entire plan was born when that man had first started demanding it. Manipulating, bargaining, convincing, and when he started _threatening_ Near figured that if it was going to happen anyway, she may as well make the most of it and began putting together a wild, risky plan. She would have done anything to escape that prison cell.

____

The frustration made it easier, easier to let him, to put the last shred of her dignity aside. There were cameras and the toys of the more adult variety were gone, and she had felt wound up so tight, so frustrated, and maybe he realized. He promised her a release, but his mere presence made her nervous. She didn't want it to be him, didn't want it to be anyone, really. She just wanted some time to herself, the lights dimmed, the cameras off, just a little privacy. Sex with another person wasn't something Near had ever been interested in, and after being used by two men she never wants anything to do with it ever again. 

____

She tries to not remember his prepositions, _‘C’mon, baby. I need this and I can tell you need it too.’,_ or his threats, _‘Sweetie, I can walk in there whenever I goddamn please.’_ The way he held her down, face into the pillow, one hand tangled in her hair, the rush of words in her head, trying desperately to drown out the noises he made. She wants to forget the way he made her feel, like a used tissue. Dirty, worn, used. Disgusting. 

____

“Near, if he co—”

____

“I didn’t want this baby,” she interrupts. “I still don’t. I didn’t realize I was pregnant until it was too late.” Two truths and a lie. She has a pretty good idea of what he’s about to say and she doesn’t want to hear it.

____

She said, 'yes.' She told him to go ahead and do what he wanted, so it wasn't...it wasn't _that._ She refuses to use _that_ word, even in her own mind. Because it is inaccurate. No one's first time is pleasant, it's supposed to leave you feeling sore and disgusting and unclean and make you sob a little in the shower afterwards. And besides—she _was_ frustrated. That's what people do when they're frustrated, right? It's normal. She's fine. 

____

“Hm.” 

____

“I don’t know if I loved the baby...I hated being pregnant so much. I don't feel sad that it died, but I'm not happy either. I just feel guilty because I didn’t visit it at the hospital. I left it there alone....The poor thing...I didn't want that to happen. I-I was even looking at families that wanted to adopt...” 

____

Why is she babbling? The last time she babbled like this was because she was frightened. Frightened of Mello and his anger. The memory of it is unbearable. She shakes her head. 

____

“I don’t want to speak about this anymore.” 

____

Roger looks her in the eyes. “I think you should seek professional help.”

____

“No.” 

____

He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Well fine. I can’t force you. But please keep the idea in mind. I think it would help you.” He looks irritated. She’s always been good at getting on his nerves. 

____

“All right,” she relents. She can at least give him this much. “But for now let’s just get back to work. We both have our roles to play, so let’s do our best, shall we?” 

____

For once, Roger smiles at her, and she tries hard not to notice that it doesn't reach his eyes. “All right, Near.”

____

~~~

____

Roger accompanies her on the flight back to New York, leaving the care and keeping of Wammy's House to his own protege. They both move into her old SPK building and oversee the building’s revival. One day she'll move, sell this building and build a new base of operations for herself. There's no rush to do so right now, all of her enemies have been defeated. The computer systems are all up to date already, but obviously the building needs some updates to its security. 

____

Her personal quarters are untouched. There is a mess, left over from when they took her in the middle of the night. There are blood stains from when Near had almost bitten Matt’s finger off. The nightstand is on its side, and the lamp that was on it is shattered on the floor. A potted plant in the living room is overturned, and the soil has seeped into the carpet. 

____

Near has the walls washed and repainted and the carpet torn up and replaced. The furniture is sold off and replaced as well, even the pieces that are unharmed. Everything seems tainted with their touch—it's unbearable seeing the filth they left behind.

____

If she can erase the evidence, the nightmares will go away. 

____

She buys paintings, a navy-colored bookshelf and a floral bedspread. She needs color. The monochromatic scheme of the place is unbearable now. White on white used to be comforting, they used to remind of her childhood bedroom, before Wammy’s, where daddy would always read her a story before bed and mommy would kiss her goodnight and turn on her nightlight before she fell asleep. 

____

Now it just reminds her of the prison cell. She hates them both for taking that away from her. 

____

~~~

____

Commander Rester agrees to come back to her right away. When he finally sees her again he moves as if to embrace her, but stops short when he sees her flinch. 

____

Lidner comes back one week after Roger calls her. She picks right back up where they left off, taking her assignments with no further commentary than a professional, “Yes, ma’am.” 

____

Near doesn’t exactly trust the elder woman. She knows that she leaked information to Mello, and Near had let it happen because it was the only way to hear Mello’s opinion. She wasn't too proud to admit that she needed his help to stop Kira. He was. He was completely unwilling to work with Near, but had no qualms outright stealing from her. He was always so damn petty. 

____

Even if inadvertently, Lidner was still part of the reason why Mello managed to overthrow her. If it was unintentional then Near can't really be bitter about it. But if it wasn't....Lidner, of course, has promised and has proven numerous times that her loyalty is to Near, so she’ll let her stay for now. Near resolves on keeping a close eye on the woman and to deliberately give her the most unimportant assignments until the suspicion is cleared. 

____

Gevanni takes nearly a month to decide to come back. When he sees her again he looks at her for a long moment and gives her the barest hint of a smile. Near thinks he looks guilty. 

____

They had searched for her after her disappearance. They had no evidence, but Mello was, of course, their primary suspect. Unfortunately the funds had dried up after a year, and her team had no choice but to go back to their former jobs. Near harbors no ill will towards them at all for this. After all, what good what they be to her broke and possibly homeless? 

____

Honestly, she's just glad that they're alive. Although it's a bit of a mystery as to why Mello hadn't killed them when he took her prisoner. Surely they were at least a thorn in his side, so why had he let them be?

____

_No use dwelling on the past,_ she decides. _All that matters is the present._

____

She knows that they are curious. But she also knows that they will not ask what happened. She suspects that they were forbidden by Roger to do so. They all fall back into the way things were before. Everything is as it should be and Near can finally breathe again. 

____

The SPK know nothing about the child and they never will, but Rester buys her a teddy bear anyway. He tells her that it looks like she needs the comfort when she asks why. She says nothing but she is grateful for it. 

____

~~~

____

One of the nurses compiled a scrapbook. There are pictures of Oleander, one for each day of the baby's short life, the pages numbered and the dates neatly written beneath the photos. She was wrong before, Oleander wasn’t a bad looking baby. Even if they looked too much like the father for Near’s tastes. 

____

The book itself is pure white and _Oleander_ is spelled on the front with stickers resembling letter blocks. 

____

The last picture was taken post-mortem. The little face is sunken and pale, mouth agape. Their eyes, grey like her own, are closed. 

____

No doubt the nurse included it to punish her for being a terrible mother. 

____

She doesn’t like that picture. She takes it out and brings it with her to the prison. 

____

“It’s dead,” she announces, sliding the photo between the bars of Mello’s cell. 

____

“...What?” 

____

“I said it died.” 

____

The announcement is met with a stony silence. Neither of them say anything as she leaves. 

____

The scrapbook is left on her bookshelf. Near resolves never to touch it again.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really agonized for a long time whether to post this ch. or not, I was really worried if it would be good or not, but then I realized that since I set the bar so low with the first chapter, I can post whatever I want and it would technically be an improvement! I'll go back and edit it....eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm actually doing this??? IDK why but I felt strangely compelled to continue a fic found as a goddamn prompt fill on a livejournal kink meme. Which was written six years ago. I've lost control of my life. This is my first fic ever and I've edited it so many fucking times so please be nice to me.


End file.
